Accepting the Queef

Yoga involves moving your body, your energy and a few other things…

Like air.

Have you ever heard what you thought was a fart only to wonder if it was actually a “vart”? To put it crudely, air got trapped in the vagina and it is now rudely making itself known as it exits stage… down there.

What a lot of people don’t realize is that it’s TOTALLY NORMAL!  Yes, everyone does it. Yes, a lot of people think they’re farts. Sadly, they aren’t really like a phase you grow out of (although some good kegels could help). The good news is that they (usually) don’t stink – if they do you should get that checked out.

The bad news.

They like to surprise you. It’s like you start to come out of plow pose and just WAM! There it is. You push back into Downward Dog and BAM! If you try to quiet it, it only makes it angrier and with anger comes noise. A lot of it. I don’t recommend trying to quiet the beast.

If you’ve ever queefed during yoga class, this article is for you and you are NOT alone! It’s a real problem us ladies have. Not to exclude the guys, but last time I checked air can’t get trapped inside their penis… Plus it would look like a snake sneezing and I’m pretty sure everyone would think that would be hilarious and not at all gross.

In dealing with this new crisis, we all go through a few different phases.

“This doesn’t happen to me”

That loud obnoxious noise rips from your vagina and instead of a bunch of dude’s congratulating their “bro” for the best burp or fart (do guys still do that?), you get paranoid that everyone knows your secret. That you are indeed the “Vag Ripper”. This is when you look side to side and try to find that “neighbor” to pin the blame on. If you stare at someone hard enough everyone else will think it’s them right?

“This so isn’t fair”

Us ladies have to deal with everything else right? Periods, PMS before the period, freakin’ labor! Why can’t queefing be a guy only thing!? Why is it just us ladies that have this misfortune and why, oh why, does no one warn you ahead of time? Come on yoga teachers, I’m looking at you! Everyone’s always talking about the energy shifting and moving, what about the air? This whole thing is so unfair and we have to bear it in (almost) silence.

“I am begging you here”

“Please oh please body of mine, if I just move reallllllyy slowly, please don’t make that awful noise!” might be your first thought. Followed by: “I’m going to come out of 3 legged dog now… If I buy you that dildo you’ve been wanting will you be a good girl?”. You’re going to start your new kegel regimen as soon as you get in the car.

“I’ll become a shut in. That’s the answer”

If I close all the doors and windows and I’m the only one here then when I queef, no sounds will come out right? That kegel regimen never stuck and now I’ll be all alone the rest of my days watching youtube yoga classes that I can’t attend in person. But hey, my vag will be happy because it can queef as much as it wants now.

“Ahhh, Fuck it”

I’ve had my time of solitude and can’t take it anymore. No longer will a queef hold me back from acceptance. From loving me for me, noises and all! No longer will I side-eye my neighbor. I will own this “vart” the way guys own farts! Because I’m a badass independent woman and my body is AMAZING!

 

In all honesty though, queefs are hard to accept.

But life moves on. People move on. and in reality, no one really cares!

The more people are aware of queefs the more “normal” it feels. If a guy can fart and be proud than we can vart and be PROUD! Let’s go ladies!

 

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